indecision

This young woman is so beautiful. She started out months ago stuck in my journal but I quickly realized it'd be a crime to keep her hidden between pages, so I peeled her up and set out to make her a new home. She suffered a little damage but remains intact, yet lately I find myself dissatisfied with her current environment (I don't think it does her beauty justice) and am considering peeling her up again.

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My ability to make confident decisions feels like it has been all but lost lately. Purgatory... limbo... that is my current realm! I'm putting things off, waiting until the absolute last second to make up my mind, or regretting my actions soon after. I got pretty down on myself thinking I was making a string of bad decisions, but then wondered: "Is this one of those times when all my choices feel shitty simply because the outcomes I have to choose from are considerably less favorable than I want them to be? Is it just a challenging time?" Yes. It is. I've got a heartbreak-unemployment-seasonal depression trifecta happening!

It was actually a rather comforting realization and has allowed me more realistic expectations. I have limits and one good choice won't magic me out of this particular struggle. I just gotta endure. There's no clear and sunny path to choose because... there just isn't. It's all wet and muddy brambles for now. The choices are tough because my situation is tough, and the only thing that's gonna tenderize that toughness is time.


**After having hashed this out with myself I think maybe she should stay where she is. She's a nice little metaphor, a sort of microcosm in my macrocosm, and a reminder of what can be learned during challenging times.