indecision

This young woman is so beautiful. She started out months ago stuck in my journal but I quickly realized it'd be a crime to keep her hidden between pages, so I peeled her up and set out to make her a new home. She suffered a little damage but remains intact, yet lately I find myself dissatisfied with her current environment (I don't think it does her beauty justice) and am considering peeling her up again.

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My ability to make confident decisions feels like it has been all but lost lately. Purgatory... limbo... that is my current realm! I'm putting things off, waiting until the absolute last second to make up my mind, or regretting my actions soon after. I got pretty down on myself thinking I was making a string of bad decisions, but then wondered: "Is this one of those times when all my choices feel shitty simply because the outcomes I have to choose from are considerably less favorable than I want them to be? Is it just a challenging time?" Yes. It is. I've got a heartbreak-unemployment-seasonal depression trifecta happening!

It was actually a rather comforting realization and has allowed me more realistic expectations. I have limits and one good choice won't magic me out of this particular struggle. I just gotta endure. There's no clear and sunny path to choose because... there just isn't. It's all wet and muddy brambles for now. The choices are tough because my situation is tough, and the only thing that's gonna tenderize that toughness is time.


**After having hashed this out with myself I think maybe she should stay where she is. She's a nice little metaphor, a sort of microcosm in my macrocosm, and a reminder of what can be learned during challenging times.

new arts!

Elliot and I are planning a little collaboration! I will make a few pieces of art that he will use as inspiration for some writing or poetry, meanwhile he'll be writing a few pieces that I'll then use as inspiration for art. We're in no rush so don't get too excited just yet, he's busy on the epic task of recording his second album (woot!) and I, well... I've got plenty of free time at the moment. We're thinking final pairings will be presented in a zine or two. Here's what I've finished up lately:

gournal share

I'm fascinated by the way my brain communicates with me through dreams. Often I'll have very elaborate dreams with complex and multi-layered story lines, many characters, and time lines that seem non-linear at best. Despite contents that are confusing and terribly difficult to articulate or accurately depict when brought into the waking world, I understand the emotional aspects of these dreams absolutely and completely non-verbally. I can literally feel the meaning of what's happening but without using any words what-so-ever. Lately, instead of getting mired in the details when recounting dreams I try to describe the action to myself in the most general and arguably obvious way, the results are usually no more than a sentence or two and they tend to hold profound meaning and relevance to either my current state or a situation I've been pondering. 

Cool!

{I'd like to apologize for my scanner. Apparently it prefers to totally disregard some colors while making others unbearably loud. Sorry, periwinkle blue.}